


i could never love again

by stellastellaforstar



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Original Character(s), eventual msr, im sorry, you're not gonna hate her
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-22
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-10-22 17:19:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10701570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellastellaforstar/pseuds/stellastellaforstar
Summary: AU where Scully transferred to Salt Lake after the events of FTF. Mulder has been dating a woman named Jo for some time when Scully suddenly comes back into his life.Set over a year after FTF.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the song Jolene by Dolly Parton which was my inspiration for this fic. 
> 
> stellastellaforstar.tumblr.com

It’s not the first time he does it. Murmurs a name, asking for help. The first time I heard it was about a week after we moved in together. At first I couldn't tell what he was saying so I just told myself he was talking in his sleep. I thought it was adorable. Then one night I hear it clear as day, “Scully, don’t leave me.” After days of this in my head, I finally decide to ask him about it while eating dinner.

“Who’s Scully?” His fork drops on the plate.

“Where did you… how did you…why?” He just stammers.

“In your sleep, the other night, you mentioned a Scully, I was just wondering who it was.”

“Oh, just my old partner at the FBI before I transferred back to Violent Crimes.”

The conversation ended there.

I think back to when I met ‘Fox Mulder, but please just call me Mulder.’ It was at a New Years Eve party, back in 1998. I didn't want to be there and I could tell he didn't either. My friend, Sarah, immediately ditched me and he wasn't talking to anyone so I decided to introduce myself. Which is very odd for me since I’m not one to go up to strangers. But there was something about him, a sadness in his eyes that made him look just so damn cute. 

After his little introduction I laughed and said “Well my name is Josephine, but everyone calls me Jo.”

“Ah, like Little Women.”

I smiled, “Yes actually, that was my favorite book as a kid.”

The night was just a blur from there. We ended up talking for hours. We didn't kiss at midnight, but I gave him my number. He called a week later while I was teaching a class. When I returned his call during my office hours, he seemed so shocked to hear from me. On our first date, he seemed so apprehensive about everything, like he hadn't been out with someone in five years. Although we had a great time, I could tell he wasn't sure what to do. So I decided to just give him a short goodnight kiss. 

It’s been over a year since then and though I love Mulder dearly, I can tell there’s still something he’s holding back from me. It took me a month to find out anything about his family and even longer for him to tell me about his sisters disappearance. We’ve been through a lot together, and I wish he could just open up to me more.

But then one morning, I see the thing, or person, he never talks about. He never really told me about her. We were out for breakfast on a Saturday and he suddenly stops in his tracks. I follow his line of sight and see her. Though she's quite smaller than me, she is beautiful. Her auburn hair and icy blue eyes both seem to reflect in the light from the windows. When we sit down I ask him who that is.

“It’s Scully,” is all he says. I don't know why I'm so surprised. I guess I just assumed his old partner was a man. I feel something shift between us, but I decide to act as if everything is fine. 

“Oh your old partner at the FBI, right?” He just nods. 

Maybe they had a falling out, maybe they were lovers. Either way, the memory of him calling her name in the night gives me the feeling that I've been punched in the gut. 

Eventually she walks up to our table, but she looks almost terrified.

“Mulder, how are you?” 

“Scully I’m fine, this is my girlfriend, Jo.” That would've been fine if he didn't look so guilty saying it. 

Scully and I shake hands as she says “Nice to meet you, you can call me Dana.”

“So what are you doing here Scully?”

“I’m just, um, well I moved back. I’m practicing again at a local hospital,” she says not making eye contact with him. 

He looks distraught but I can tell he's trying to hide it from me. He’s never really been good at that. It looks like he wants to ask a million more questions but I interrupt before the conversation can get any more awkward than it is.

“Dana, why don't you come over for dinner one night this week?” 

She agrees and we plan for Thursday night at 8 because its the only night she's not working. 

Well maybe by then Mulder will tell me a little more about her.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I've been gone forever! Thank you for the kudos and comments!
> 
> stellastellaforstar.tumblr.com

Chapter 2 

Shit. 

I knew I would run into Mulder eventually but I didn't think he was going to be accompanied by a beautiful new girlfriend. I also didn't think I would see him so soon, of course DC is a big city but I always seem to find him. 

I've been back here for almost a month now. I kept telling myself I was going to call him but I never did and now I'm regretting it. The look on his face when he realized I lived here again is something I never want to see again. He looked so devastated even though it seems like he's doing just fine on his own. I should've lied and told him I'm just here to visit my mother. Why should I lie? It's not like he tried to contact me in the year and a half I've been gone! He's been here moving on with this new girl. 

I have to remind myself to not be jealous. We were never together and now we're not even partners, he has the right to date whoever he wants. It still stings a little though. After our almost kiss in the hallway I thought that maybe we were going somewhere. He never even mentioned it and so I decided to go through with the transfer. No use staying if the department I put my life into is shut down. 

After the awkward exchange with Mulder and Jo, I got in my car as quickly as I can. At first I just drove around for a while, eventually I realized I was driving to Mulder’s apartment without even thinking. I had been doing that a lot the past month but I never got the nerve to go in. Maybe it’s good if I stop by, maybe I can explain myself or we can just catch up. 

While I stall and sit in my car, I see Mulder and Jo get out of a car and she pulls keys out of her purse. Do they live together? Well of course they do, they could've have been together for over a year now for all I know. I know I've been gone for a while but I just can’t believe Mulder is in a relationship. In the five years I worked with him, he was never one to date. And now here he is living with this woman that I hardly know and I used to be the one he told everything to. He seems happy, which is new for me to see so he must be okay. Things were a little awkward when we talked but they seem like they're doing well together. 

I tried to date while I was in Utah, I really did. I just could never seem to schedule a second date. Except this time I couldn't use work, or Mulder, as an excuse. Honestly, I was just miserable there. It wasn't hard to find a job back in DC, and it was nice being able to practice medicine again. I’m not completely sure why I wanted to come back, but I’m happy here. I don't regret transferring and I feel like I’m slowly coming out of the darkness that the X Files put me into.

Maybe by Thursday I can sort out all of these conflicted feelings I have. I know I avoided Mulder when I moved back, but I do want him in my life. He used to be the only one I trusted, and I thought I was for him. 

After sitting in front of Mulder’s apartment probably longer than necessary, I had to my apartment. Well my new one that is. It’s nice, and it’s close to the hospital I work in, but I still like my old apartment better. 

Setting my things down, I decide a hot bath will help me clear my thoughts. I take some wine to sip while in the tub and before I know it I drank the whole bottle. I’m starting to feel tipsy and the heat from the bath isn't helping. 

What is my deal? I haven't downed an entire bottle of wine by myself in years. Only one thing comes to mind when I try to figure out why I'm acting this way. 

Mulder.


	3. Chapter 3

Deep breaths, Mulder. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Since seeing Scully again three days ago, I have been a ball of anxiety. It doesn't help that Jo has been asking more questions about my previous work, and my previous partner. It's understandable why she's asking questions. I was pretty shaken after seeing Scully again, and Jo could obviously tell. 

And I love Jo, I think. I mean, I do. She brought me out of the dark after Scully left. Which is something I never thought Scully would do. I thought she would never leave me, even if we didn't have the X Files. Maybe I didn’t know her as well as I thought. You think I would after five years together.

Damn, I had gotten so good at not thinking about her and now I can’t seem to stop. 

~~~

7:47 pm

Funny. Glancing at my watch doesn’t seem to make time go any faster or slower. And I’m not really sure which way I want it go. I know I should be excited for this dinner with Scully and Jo, but I’m dreading it as well. Or should it be the other way around? God, seeing her again has me all mixed up. 

“Honey, is everything okay?” I glance up from staring at the wall.

“Yes, yeah, of course.” 

“Okay! Could you stir this for a second? I need to start on the salad.” 

“Yes, yeah, of course.”

“Mulder, you’ve said that already.” 

I chuckle but I hope she can’t tell how nervous I am. While I stir the sauce, I look at over at Jo. She is so beautiful. Her smile could kill a man, but she nearly saved my life with it when I met her. I don’t remember why I decided to go to a New Years Eve party that night, it honestly might’ve been the free booze, but I’m so happy I did. Jo has been the healthiest relationship I have ever had. 

“What are you staring at?” 

I break from my gaze. “Just you, Jo. I was thinking about how lucky I am.”

She blushes. It’s hard to see with her tan complexion, but I can tell just the same. I walk over and wrap my arms around her waist. 

“Quit distracting me and get back to stirring.” 

I laugh and kiss her quick before going back over to the oven. I can’t believe I’m here in my kitchen making a full balanced meal. The gunmen say I’m whipped, but I think they're just jealous I’m eating something other than pizza everyday. 

A knock at the door. I’m quickly broken from my thoughts. My heart starts racing uncontrollably. We both start heading for the door with Jo putting on her famous smile. She gets to the door before I can. 

“Hi, Dana! Come on in! I’m so glad you could make it.”

“Oh, thank you for inviting me.” She says with some hesitation. I can’t really tell what she’s thinking. Not anymore. 

She is wearing a cream sweater and jeans, which reminds me of the she was wearing when I interrupted her and Van Blundht. I really was a loser then, wasn't I? Who would have thought that in a couple years I would be in a relationship with an amazing woman and I wouldn't even be working on the X Files any more. 

“Honey?” I’m broken out of my reverie when I hear Jo’s voice.

“Uh, yeah sorry.” I realize I hadn’t even said hello to Scully so I fumble my way over to her. I really don’t have time to think what I should do in this situation. A handshake is far too formal, but I’m not sure if a hug would be alright. I end up awkwardly waving, and taking her coat from her. God, maybe I still am a loser. 

By the time I get back from hanging up her coat, Dana and Jo seem to be getting along just fine. 

“Dana I hope you like Italian, it’s the only thing that my mother ever taught me to make.”

“Yes, that’s fine, I haven't had a home cooked meal in so long! Anything is fine with me.” 

I watched the exchange with great interest. It feels like I’m watching my new lover talking with my old one. But, of course, Scully and I were never lovers. Hell, we never even kissed. That damn bee. 

Jo starts to bring the bowl of pasta over to the table and I pull out her chair for her. For some reason, I look at Scully when I do it. And for some reason, she looks… despondent. But that can’t be right, I’m sure it’s all in head. It’s just the nerves, isn't it? 

We begin to eat, with everyone serving themselves the meal. The conversation goes smoothly, mostly because I’m not talking at all. That is, until Jo brings up the X Files  
“So, Dana, any interesting work stories on Mulder?” 

“Ha, um… well I’m not sure.” she said dryly. 

“Oh, come on, there’s got to be something. From what Mulder has told me, the X Files seem much more interesting than my job.” 

Scully takes a large sip of her wine before answering, and I’m dreading when she does. I’m sure there is a funny story from working together for five years, but right now I can only think of all the heartache. Her abduction, cancer, hell even Antarctica. I’m completely in the dark about what she’s going to say next.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! So sorry for the super long delay but I am determined to finish this and it is not abandoned. Thank you for sticking with me if you're still here, and welcome if you're new.


	4. Chapter 4

“Well, the only one that is coming to mind right now, is a case about cockroaches. Which I’m sure you don’t want to hear about.” 

“No, I do. I’d love for you to tell me about it.” The genuine excitement in my voice covers my nervousness easily. 

“So there was a case, which I actually wasn't involved in until the end so that might be why it’s interesting.” 

“Oh Scully, don’t say that. We had plenty of interesting cases.” Mulder suddenly says.

She gives him a look that I can’t quite decipher, but she ignores him and continues with her story regardless. “Anyway, there were these deaths where the crime scenes had cockroaches surrounding them after, so naturally the entire town assumed there were killer bugs on the loose. After every death Mulder would call me, and I,being a scientist, was always able to come up with a logical reason for their death. But, since I wasn't in town with Mulder, he found another expert to consult, a researcher named Bambi.” 

I bust out laughing. “Bambi?!” 

We all have smiles now. “Yes her name was Bambi, and she was actually researching cockroaches.” 

I look over, “Mulder, you hate bugs!” 

Scully agrees with me “Yes, but he seemed to like them with her.”

“Scully come on, that’s not fair.” He’s trying to come up with an excuse but his blush is evident. 

“Oh, it is so. After every death you kept asking me to come up, but after you met her you thought you had the whole thing solved.” They share a look that leaves me feeling unsettled.

She continues, “So eventually I decide to head up there, while at the same time Mulder has decided that the cockroaches are actually all alien robots.” 

“No, I met a man who was a scientist that worked on robots that looked like insects, and when I brought him one to look at, he said that it was very advanced!” 

“So anyway, the town is in full hysteria by the time I get there and finally meet up with Mulder… well, actually, I got to meet Bambi first. Turns out that a man was researching a new resource of fuel using animal dung, which attracted the cockroaches. Mulder is with him and the man is in such a hysteria he shoots at Mulder in this lab full of methane gas-”

I gasp as I start to put together what happened.

“-which proceeds to explode, and let's just say no amount of showers could get rid of that smell for the rest of the year.”

“Well, what happened to Bambi?” I ask her.

Scully rolls her eyes, “She was sitting safe and sound in Mulder’s car. Mulder, didn't she end up with that old scientist?”

“Uh, yes, I believe you said ‘smart is sexy.’”

We’re all in fits of laughter now. “Honey, I had no idea you worked on cases like that. That sounds a hell of a lot more fun than violent crimes. Why did you leave?”

I was just trying to make conversations but apparently what I said struck a chord with them. They exchange looks.

He answers first, “The, uh, the X-Files were shut down.” 

All three of us just sit in uncomfortable silence. Well, that was the end of that nice moment. I’m usually great at coming up with something to say in moments like this but of course now is a time where I’m at a loss for words. 

Finally, someone breaks the silence. “Well, Jo, thank you so much for dinner it really was delicious. I better get going, I have shift at the hospital early tomorrow.” She’s already gathering her things.

“No, Dana thank you so much for coming! You’re welcome back here anytime.” Her and Mulder share a look again, and for the tenth time tonight I can’t figure out what it means. 

“Yeah, of course you can stop by again Scully.” Even I can tell he doesn't mean it. 

The three of us walk to door together, I know I should probably give them some time alone. They were partners after all, but somehow I just can’t. 

She gives a generic goodbye to us both and walks as fast as she can down the hallway. 

~~~

As we’re cleaning up the meal we start to settle back into our usual ways.

“So, she’s great.” It’s all I can think to say, and I mean it. Of course I do, because I have no reason to think otherwise. 

All he does is nod and keeps cleaning. 

It’s not until we’re in bed and he’s calling her name again in his sleep, that I let the tears fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I told you guys I was back! Thank you so much for over 1,000 hits, that's insane to me. Also I have the rest of the story laid out now, what do you think is gonna happen? 
> 
> stellastellaforstar.tumblr.com


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